My Top Five

I have not typically been the girl who thought "every cloud has a silver lining" but in the current circumstances I do find the little things a little sweeter than before. I guess it's human nature to blow off many of the days gifts as insignificant. It's a shame because we'd probably all be a little happier, a little less edgy, if we could just appreciate the small stuff a little more.

Over the weekend my sister-in-law, Tina, said to me 'Hey, at least you're staying cool with no hair', and it's true. My helmet of thick hair would be hot and sweaty on these summer days outside with the kids. So it prompted my thoughts to go on about the "silver linings" of my chemo treatments. Here's a start:

• #5: I shaved my armpits 5 weeks ago and the hair has not grown back.
• #4: Saving money on shampoo & hair products as well as time in the shower and with a hair dryer.
• #3: I've lost a few pounds despite having increased my ice-cream intake to savor the days.
• #2: Realizing how many people I have who truly are there for me.
• #1: The mass is STILL shrinking.

This weekend I had a dull ache in the area of the mass. Typically, a constant ache is rather annoying and frays my nerves but not this one. This one can bring a slight curl to my lips in a smile of knowing that victory is on the horizon. I know I have 4 more treatments slated after this 4th of the worst ones on Friday. And I have surgery and quite likely radiation to look forward to after that. But I feel the difference in the mass and it's substantial. I keep envisioning Dr. Schauer (the oncologist) saying the words "This is exactly what we like to see". That is exactly what I need to hear.

My Grandmother said that a wave of happiness rolled over her after spending Thursday and Friday with us. She was a great help (as many have been during this) and I think she was pleased that I looked OK. Aside from the bandanas I've been wearing to cover my bald head I think I look pretty much like I look. I'm not wasted away, not tired or suffering so I look like me. Between being able to help and seeing first hand that I/we are really handling things pretty well made her realize that it's going to be fine. That was the gift wrapped up in a wave of warmth and happiness.

I try to say that the hair-loss is no big deal. That's not true. It's a Big Deal. But that silver lining is that I got to actually DO what we ladies always threaten on a bad hair day. I shaved it all off. I have also acquired new hats and scarves to wear around this summer and until my hair starts coming back. On the right days, in the right mood, it's sort of fun to be a little different and wear bandanas out everywhere. After all, I am an artist & we are a little "off".