It's 6:33am and I woke up be to the sunshine in our room. I crashed last night after reading books with Jacqueline. That exhaustion that I like to deny sometimes gets the better of me. So now I am up. I picked up the journal I've been keeping from the nightstand and started writing some notes. Then it hit me.
I do not have an appointment with the oncologist today. I am not scheduled to get a finger prick so that they can check my blood counts.
It's a weird feeling. You would think it was relief, right? Back in the beginning I met a BC survivor who told me that at the end of Chemo you felt lost. She said 'Chemo becomes your life-line and you don't know what to do without it.' I took this in and thought about how your brain really plays with you. I thought that I would be so happy to be done. And then I didn't think much about it until this morning. This is the first Friday in about 17 weeks (who's counting) that I have not gone to Dr. Schauer's office.
I did speak to Donna (my nurse) yesterday. They had called to confirm my appointment for next Friday and I asked, nearly pleaded, about an appointment for today. In my head I thought that after I told her how bad I was Monday she might say to come in. But she listened, asked me a few questions and then said "It stands to reason that since you've had several treatments that you might have a reaction like that" and she told me that I didn't need to come in, I'd had my shot, and that I should "enjoy your Friday with the children".
OK. I found something to do at the Art Center in town. It's in steps of the Onocology office. Is that my brain taking me there anyway?
I've become attached to Donna and Dr. Schauer's encouraging words about my progress, tips on getting through and to them. It's like when you leave a job on your own accord. People know you are leaving for a new job, or a baby or a move, whatever, and they are happy for you. You are happy to be moving on with your life, but you will miss these people. I will miss Iris at the desk who makes my appointments and I will miss Carmen who repeatedly stuck my finger to get blood counts. I will miss the connection like we were girlfriends at work almost. We talked about the rest of life. They had vacations, kids, celebrations, so did I, and we shared. So I feel like I am a "short timer" at a job. I'm going to go in for my last treatment next Friday and then, I might go in for follow ups, I don't even know to be honest. But I won't have these few people in my daily/weekly routine. But they are woven into this experience of mine and their kindness and care won't be forgotten.
Next Friday will hopefully be the last firsthand look I get at chemotherapy. But I know that I'll be back to drop off old paperbacks or magazines for the patients waiting area. I think I will make Donna a package of labels to use on her patients IV drug bags. That is as close as I ever want to get. I've told some of you already; THIS is a one shot deal. We are having our brush with cancer, we are going to move on, we are going to be changed by it, we are going to be smarter and stronger, but we are NOT going back there again. You got that? If you never post a comment on this blog or eat salmon or buy daisies on command again do this: DO NOT GET CANCER.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled activities. I'm going to make some coffee and enjoy my Friday with the children.
5 comments:
YES!
how's that for brevity of thought? and, perhaps you did not think i was capable?
stand up and take a much deserved bow, jenn. it means much to "read" you.
revel in your day!
love ,
~ c
I LOVE YOU KID!WE'LL TELL DONNA SOME MORE SCARY SOPHIE STORIES NEXT FRIDAY AND THEN THANK HER AND WISH HER WELL-DAD
To clarify for Sophie's peace of mind, my Dad sat with me last Friday and somehow we ended up talking about baby doll heads used as decor in your Providence apartment. As I type this I realize I am not putting anything to rest. Oh well, my friend Sophie is certainly unique and that's why I love her.
thx for the clarity. that is quite an interesting visual as well as sophie having the confidence by thinking as well as decorating outside the box!
now, sophie will be sending you a photo to be posted, when?????
How is you Friday going? I'm sure Jacqueline and Bailey are happy to NOT have to share you with the Dr's office today! Enjoy your day!!
xoxo-
Alicia
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