At the onset of this chemotherapy course I expected it to last forever. Here we are just a few days away from the last one. Eight is a good number for me. Our anniversary is 8-8. Kevin's number of choice for teams has been 8. And now we are going to get through treatment number 8. I like to think that 8 treatments will the magic number for me to get all the cancer cells out of all the parts of me.
Next week we are slated to visit Sloan-Kettering in NYC. My appointment is early on Tuesday morning. I think it'll be good to get it out of the way and not have too much time to think about it that day. Here's the deal; I'm going for a second opinion. It may or may not change anything.
Right now I still have my surgery scheduled here in CT with Dr.Lee and Dr. DeLucia for the reconstruction part of the process. My main objective is to feel more secure in making the choices that I am faced with. Some of you think maybe I can avoid surgery altogether - it would be a dream but I am not hanging my hat on it. It's starting to make sense to me that removing all the breast tissue is necessary. Since it's a ductal issue then it would stand to reason that to be rid of cancer I need to be rid of that system of ducts.
However, what about the imaging? What about watching it closely before going in for surgery and determine if the chemo wiped it out? What are the safest options and what risks do other options present? I want to feel like I have investigated the premier cancer treatment center and got more information. So far I have been comfortable as possible with respect to undergoing chemotherapy. It was clear to me that it was having the desired effect and I was able to tolerate it well. As I go into the next few days/weeks I will be trying to keep my anxiety at bay. Please consider that it is a lot for all of us to comprehend and that I am doing my best to be smart here.
Friday night will be some huge sigh of relief but the chemo effects won't be over for me until at least Monday. Then we're right into Sloan-Kettering and more information, more decisions or the same decisions really, just waiting to be finalized. Moving forward and continuing to face the challenges ahead will require more strength and clarity of thought. I'm gearing up for the month ahead. I'm imagining my life on the other side of all this.
In Boston this weekend Jacqueline asked if she could go to college there. I felt like skipping and I imagined us packed to the gills moving all the "bare necessities" into her first college dorm room. I imagined me older, Kevin older and the children nearing adulthood. I can see that in my mind's eye. I'm going to be here for that dammit and cancer will be just a memory. Maybe by then all of our efforts will have paid off and a better treatment, a cure, will have been developed. Maybe we will see that before we ever have to face this within our ranks again. That is my wish.
4 comments:
dearest jenn --
just returned from south carolina for the youtube dem prez debates where i had a most interesting conversation albeit brief with elizabeth edwards. for some odd reason, YOUR name predominantly danced across my mental landscape.
imagine that. (ever-so-loving smile)
btw, she is a peanut. i'm 5'10" in heels and she was so very tiny AND a whirlwind of the epitome of goddess loving energy.
your fearlessly written recent post has my mind whirling with cognitive thought.
please know that i shall honor your request for entries as soon as i have had a moment to process the 565 words from not only your tender heart but also your most vulnerable of places.
smoooooches,
~ c-pie
Your heartfelt post has me choking back tears... that is my wish for you too. To watch Jacqueline and Bailey grow up, to see them become adults, graduate from college, get married, buy their first house, have children... You have so much life ahead of you. You ARE going to beat this- I have no doubts.
xoxo-Alicia
YES!!!!! DAD
between your brave and courageously honest posting yesterday, jenn, and the cd i was listening to while winging my way home that contained an alarming statement that most of the research dollars is given to male medicine because most of the ruling bodies are predominantly male, 80% of all cancers are lifestyle related (think: the increasing prevalence of toxicity that pervades nearly every aspect of our environment(s) from home to office to schools, to food, makeup, products, etc.) all of which is still rattling around in my mind.
you wish is that no one will ever have to face this again.
so, to comply and ameliorate my er-er-er, i commenced a search on the 'net seeking research, something -- ANYTHING -- that might lend succor to you and to me.
The headline, "Honor a Loved One: Make A Text Dedication" caught my eye:
STOP BREAST CANCER FOR LIFE
let's all text for jenn!!!
and then i recalled seeing a link but not checking it out (i'm so sorry typing with an embarrassed, apologetic SLACKER look on my countenance), you took your time to place on your blog regarding the petition you subtly encouraged us to sign H.459 | H.R.758 Breast Cancer Protection Act of 2007" with focus pertaining to enacting legislation to stop "drive by" mastectomies.
HUH???? how unreal is this news?
i found a site that had this quote:
After all, the female breast is the fountain of nourishment for many newborn members of our society; it is only humane that society should take the time to nurture the women who lose them.
btw, your Connecticut Congresswoman, Rosa L DeLauro", is one of the sponsors of this bill. while it is great to sign an online petition, my experience as an "artivist" has taught me that online petitions make us feel good, can be effective, AND nothing is as effective as a letter sent via snail mail to YOUR elected official. fyi, each bill is linked to show you who, in your state(s) has NOT co-sponsored this bill.
Only 17 (seventeen) United States Senators have agreed to co-sponsor this joint legislation, 8 (eight women) and 9 (men). Both NY and NJ senators are on board!
while this is wonderful news, especially that the men numerically outweigh it is woefully inadequate. you can count on me to make my voice loud and clear in making certain that the Georgia officials get off of their respective duffs, Jenn.
ok - so, there is no dancing around the issue.
you have cancer - at the moment.
as you know, i am a huge proponent of thinking right, i.e., mind over body and curing dis-ease with the right kind of thought. the word disease is actually two words meaning in this context that your body is not (dis) at ease, hence the now vanquished lump.
your poignant blog and your writings and your envisioining your future with kevin, your chidlren, is an immense step in "thinking right" about this experience, jenn.
you have uplifted me and i am certain everyone that loves you on many days with your postings of good cheer and positive as well as pragmatic outlook. i watched an entire show about one choice of breast reconstruction surgery. it was terrifying as well as horrifying.
you have seen this video and yet, you maintain such a sense of balanced equanimity. how do you master this art form?
while i am not able to physically be with you on the morrow for this momentous event and an "8" one at that, please kwow that you are not only on my thoughts, meditations, and prayers but you occupy a very special place in my heart.
you have much to accomplish in this lifetime, jenn, moving jacqueline to a dorm, is but one item amongst many.
love and break a leg,
cherie
PS -- kathy griffen has been nominated for yet another EMMY but not won one sooo.. i am rooting for you and YOUR award winning video to add to your collection (teasing laughter).
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