Apparently I should have quit while I was on a high note today. I had a lovely lunch with my friend & fellow survivor to celebrate the good news about my pathology report. We tried a new cafe in town here. Delish. I had salmon (big surprise, I know) and it was a beautiful day, a nice meal, good conversation. We talked about a million things; cancer, pottery wheels, precious metal clay and college experiences. She gives me a great deal of hope knowing that someday cancer will not be the first thing on my mind.
Then I started making supper. It was going alright. We ate, and I had started a cookie dough so we could get a chocolate fix for dessert. Good. But then as I wondered why the cookies were not even close to done after 8 minutes, I realized that the oven was not on BAKE anymore. That could the reason. After rectifying that, I promptly turned the first batch of cookies into charcoal discs. FABulous. On from there, still trying to maintain my composure. After all, it's cookies. I just survived surgery and chemotherapy, come on how hard are cookies? And I had help today - Kevin did much of the Bailey time despite having call after call to be on for work.
The last straw was when my casserole dish (the corning ware french white oval one that we all use all the damn time!) hit the floor and exploded into hundreds of pieces. Yup, that was what took me to the very edge of reason. I ranted for several minutes about this house being the problem. In all seriousness more glassware, plates, casseroles have been broken here in the last 7 months than in my entire adult life! Really! It makes me nuts.
It's a dish. It can be replaced and with a 20% off coupon no less at Bed Bath and Beyond. It's no biggie. But we have such a long list of things that we have had to endure and maybe now that I can take a breath, I'm seeing it all. It's hitting me. We moved (I miss my friends, my house, our area), Kevin took a new job where he works a lot of hours, we're in a rental house with that harvest gold set of appliances, I had cancer... I can't change any of it - ugh - now I'm rambling.
I'm tired and I've had so much help. Imagine how crabby I would have been without the help? I get shivers thinking of it. Am I exhausted or suffering from "chemo-brain". Or "mommy brain"? Or all 3?... it's never one thing is it?
I'm going to light the candle on my new Buddha while I go through the night-time routine of washing, toning and moisturizing my face. I am going to sleep soundly tonight, I am going to move into the next phase with grace. That's it. I needed a pep talk. I'll wake up smiling and with a reason to go shopping on Friday.
5 comments:
jenn--
ramble on. it is good for YOUR soul.
"A wise woman has observed that moving is life's worst nontragic experience."
Walter Kiechel III, Fortune
'Life is so busy and complex today that even the thought of relocating can push a well-balanced person over the edge!
It should come as no surprise then that among common experiences, moving ranks as the third most stressful after the death of a loved one and divorce.
we have touched on this topic in our calls.
with all that you and kevin faced JUST with relocating and then to be diagnosed with cancer is mind boggling.
and you have dodged this bullet with élan and grace.
perhaps this stress assessment test can place the harvest gold appliances in perspective. if i were a betting lass, i would wager big $$$'s that you and keving have stress levels off the charts!
i wish i could be there to help you shop today and perhaps entice you to engage in a bit of mayhem and
mirth.
know that this, too, shall pass. please be ever so "jenn"tle with yourself today.
you are so very admired and loved,
~ c
Y'all will be really surprised (not) to read that when I did the stress test I scored 364 which is "off-the-chart" and I am now urged by Discovery Channel to seek help to overcome the effects of stress. Funny - I didn't feel all that stressed - it's all relative I guess. [ps. like that southern twang?]
"lerve" your dialect. that dog'll hunt! ;~)
wowza! seriously jenn, please make note to self:
i will find ways to release the "challenges."
why, do i hear your easel murmuring your name?
go have some FUN!
xoxoxo,
~ c
Hey - don't rush it. I can only imagine that the desire to be normal again is overwhelming. Maybe, you've got to give yourself time. Is it like coming up from a deepsea dive? Go too quickly and you'll get the bends? Keep sharing the experience with us. It's good for everyone :)
Btw, I am very mad at your harvest gold kitchen and think that it is really rude of it to be so inconvenient. It's really not being much of a team player. It's much the way that feel about our newly acquired aqua bedroom. Hard to feel sexy when you're in the waiting room at the dentist's office.
Hey, in a straight fight, who'd win? Your gold kitchen or my aqua bedroom? While your kitchen can smash up stuff, my bedroom can bore everything into submission. It's a toss up!
I've had too much coffee this morning ;)
My mom says "Hi!" and wants me to remind you that she is now 17 years post cancer. And as fiesty as ever, god bless her.
xoSophie
Well written article.
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