Today was a day of challenge. How much did I bring upon myself with preconceived notions? I suppose I can't really ever know. But there are times when things get to be a pattern for both partners. One is in a funk and the other expects the funk in every exchange. That's where we were today; where I was anyway. I think it's safe to say that we each have our own funk. I thought about this perceived slight, I called friends, I griped and I ended the evening feeling like a chump. Am I wrong? Am I making drama? Am I just tired? Am I right?
Yes, but…
I feel like I let myself get into my own swirl. Admittedly, I have my own patterns that need to be broken. And what better time than the first of the year to refocus and reset myself? Know that I am not having my spine removed or looking into mind-altering pharmaceuticals. I am however, not going to play the part of a damsel in distress. Give me a break, Jenn. You went to chemo 8 times, you can get off your butt and set up an art-studio space in the "office" area. I can redesign my website. I can seek out freelance work. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, JENN? Where's the resolve that got you to walk through those doors every 2 weeks for a treatment? That same power drove you to daily radiation. It also got you to Sloan-Kettering and physical therapy.
I'm bigger than some old patterns. I can be better and I am. This year I will be reformed.
1 comment:
jenn --
your tender and fearless post reminds me of a quote:
"Marriage is an incredible act of hopefulness."
on that note, please take some time for yourself, real time. time to quietly reflect on all that has been and all that looms brightly before you on the horizon.
you have been through the quite the ordeal and come out on the other side, heightened and brightened and also, tested [ya think?], in more ways than one.
******** you emerged victorious. ********
any day can mark the beginning of something new, a propitious time to refocus.
at the risk of being redundant for i may have posted this before, below is a list of the creeds I aspire to live by or as the Zen masters say:
1. It is your resistance to what is that causes your suffering.
2. The secret to life is there is no secret.
3. Sometimes the only way to be responsible to yourself is to remove yourself from the environment you find yourself within.
4. Never accept guilt. There are only two reasons for someone to lay it on your body - to hurt you or to control you. Neither is worth your consideration.
5. The past is gone - learn from it, but do not dwell upon it. Act responsibly to the future, but do not live for it.
6. Be open for change for it is assured.
7. Rise above fear for it is the basis of all problems. If fear is the problem "love" is the answer.
8. Live for "now" - give all that you are able, accept all that it offers.
9. Be aware of others but be yourself and you will know freedom.
10. We are mirrors of our own thoughts so unhappiness and failure are self-inflicted while happiness and success are self bestowed.
11. Responsibility to others can be an invalid rationale for irresponsibility to yourself.
12. Change is the only absolute in living - accept it with faith, not fear. Challenge it with love - not resentment - for it is the poetry of life.
the foregoing basically summarizes all the "religion" I seem to need to find peace.
ironically, while I strive to live by these simple thoughts and tenets, my experience has taught me that it is oh-so-easily verbalized and on this journey through life, it can be highly "challenging" to employ.
yesterday it snowed in not-so-hot-lanta. totally magical and beautiful and hypnotic as well as renewing to watch the fat, soft flakes swirl about in the wind.
and, images of you readily sprang to mind what with the recent snows you have experienced.
please take a week or so and have a real vacation with you, jenn.
at the risk of being perceived as arbitrary, i disagree with you about being reformed ["jenn"-tle smile].
me thinkest thou might benefit from some authentic time alone to recharge, relax, and, thus, rejuvenate.
just my 2 cents.
with love,
cherie
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