twenty-three to go

I can't wait to write 23 done.

Anyway, I guess my outburst on Friday re: lymph edema got me tagged with the physicians and nurses. I had a special visit with a this morning to look at my arm and ask if I wanted to see a social worker there. Look, I'm mad about this. I'm frustrated about this; am I doing more harm by taking the radiation treatment, since I AM pathologically healthy, OR would I do a greater disservice not getting the radiation? It's a valid question and an unanswerable one. Who's going to advise me NOT to get radiation? It is seen as one more defense against the chance that there is some microscopic bit of cancer somewhere. All the doctors all along have guided me toward doing radiation. Especially with a lumpectomy. But, do they really know?

Is it necessary?

Since this cannot be readily answered I am driving myself to the treatments and I lay there looking at the lame "art" in the ceiling tiles and I think to myself "I am clean." I often close my eyes - they are able to watch me while I'm in there, from where? - and I imagine that the radiation is good. I don't really believe that it is. I hope it's not bad. I hope that it's like taking an antibiotic when you don't really need it. It won't really hurt you.

On Sunday I ran out with Jacqueline and met Kama and Claire at a local shop. All of a sudden I hear a "Hey" and it was Dr. Bertsch and her daughter standing there. They were out, too, just the girls. So we're making small talk and I'm thinking "is it obnoxious to show her my arm? it's Sunday, she's not working. Will it be rude to ask her a question?" and then she asked to see my arm. She'd spoken to me over the phone on Friday - she was Hartford Hospital not at UCONN. So, she looked. She wasn't that concerned - not alarmed at all. I need to call about the physical therapy... anyway... 7 down, 23 to go.