Little Fires

With 2 toddlers and some serious football watching going on in the family room, I did not make a big roaring fire yesterday. In the living room fireplace I had my candles lit - there's a 6-candle stand in that fireplace that makes a pleasant glow without the raging flames. After the kids were in bed and the evening was winding down I sat in the dim light alone to make my list.

You know what surprised me? It wasn't a long list. I had about 8 pieces of paper with sort of general things that I wanted to be rid of. I tore the strips by hand, read them to myself and held each over the flame of the candle to light it up. As they burned I dropped them into the fireplace and watched them blacken and curl away to ashes. It was not nearly as dramatic as I had imagined it in my mind. Maybe I should walk away feeling better about myself that there aren't too many things that I harbor guilt or regret about. There is just my own history and evolution as a human being.

I read a heartening email update from a woman I barely know but have a connection to. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and walked her path as I walked mine. We had different hurdles to overcome but she put into words something that I feel;

Cancer girl has left the building, or more aptly, she was left behind in that rat hole we called 2007. But me, I am still here in my many other incarnations. Yeah!

I have changed somehow deep inside, somehow that may continue to surface through the rest of my life. It may surprise, please, aggravate those who knew and loved me before, but I think that the truth of the matter is, that all of me was always there, I just filtered myself more. In 2008 I will set the foundation for my family, my kids to flourish and find a deep happiness and lightness. I may go unfiltered but I believe I will be more true to "Jenn", and all that it entails.