No Milkshake

Hands down, the most annoying reminder of the cancer surgery is the weakness in my left arm. Maybe because I wasn't really expecting it. I knew that my arm would need time to heal, but I didn't anticipate the extent to which my arm would be affected. Clearly it was not the biggest concern at the time of the surgery.

One of the ways that I gaged my arm was lifting milk into the fridge. It sits on the top shelf, so the weight and the lift was a real test. In the beginning, my arm shook reaching up for a cup, it shook like crazy with the milk test. Now I don't have that severe shake. Yay!

I went to physical therapy to help my arm recover. It had swollen up a bit during radiation. I was alarmed though the radiation oncologist was not very concerned. To me it seemed rather swollen in comparison to my right arm. Lymph edema is a common condition for breast cancer patients who've had the axillary node dissection that I had. My physical therapist took measurements and in the end, the left and right arm measurements were very close. She also taught me some exercises, stretched out my arm increasing my range of motion noticeably, and massaged the arm gently. I learned how to wrap my arm to reduce swelling when it's been over worked. It's something that I have to deal with that I didn't see coming.

So it's annoying to me to have this weakness. The scars don't bother me near as much. For one thing, this time of year most of me is covered up. My summer wardrobe may reveal the scar some, but it's so flat and neat I think it won't be a big deal. Then I have scars in my arm pit, which frankly, if you're looking at my armpits then you deserve to see the scars. But, they are neat and healed well.

My hair is another potential negative reminder, but it's actually been a good thing. My short hair is really great. I have had long hair most of my life. I was thinking this morning that I had a lot of hair memories.

• I remember as a kid having bangs that seemed to always need a trim.
  
• I remember getting my hair cut for the first time at the hairdresser; I got layers! I was probably in 5th grade and I remember that the lady brought my mom back to see all the suds that I had failed to rinse from my hair in my last shower.
  
• My hair was a security blanket. I kept it long and did in fact hide in it.
  
• 'Guys like long hair' - heard it first from the elementary school nurse and then continuously throughout my life
  
• My gray streak began to appear when I was about 16.
  
• I had a boyfriend who held my hair when we walked through the halls in school (that bugged me).
  
• In college I used Henna to color my hair and my streak went pink like the "beauty school drop-out" in Grease.

I'd cut my hair once in a while, but it was always on the long side. So now having short hair and liking how I look is a big boost. I thought I'd look fat. (Don't ask why, I don't get the connection either), I thought it'd be ugly, dippy, butch… but I actually feel pretty cool with my short do. I like how I look with short hair.

Yeah, the arm thing is the most annoying side-effect. I have to think can I lift that? I have to remember to sit with my arm raised to assist the lymph system draining. It's not a big deal, I usually watch TV with my arm raised in the evening. I have to watch it during yoga or exercise. It's not a big deal, but it was nicer not to have to consider it.

And still, of all the annoying aspects of cancer, putting aside the obviously terrifying aspects, I guess my arm is not all that bad. It is sort of funny how that weakness is really the stem of my aggravation. It's an interesting lesson for me about myself.