Detour: Pity Party Ahead

I got a huge compliment recently that I hadn't let myself be defined by having had cancer. Let me say this: I feel like I bring it up too often, that it's always on my mind and that it is painfully obvious that I had breast cancer. So to read from a friend that I was NOT defined by cancer was great news.

With Spring in full gear and Summer following shortly, all I want to do is garden. I want to make a vegetable garden, I want to make a walk… basically I want to do things that require a lot of work and lifting and shoveling. These activities are off limits because of my arm and the swelling from Lymph Edema. So my Dad made the walk for me, my Aunt transplanted things for me, Kevin does the heavy lifting… and today I could wait no longer for the veggie plot to BE THERE.

I had marked my area over the weekend. Took it real slow. Then today I did a little more work including the dreaded shoveling. I was totally taking it easy and kept tabs on my arm. And then it started. I could feel my ring get tighter on my left ring finger.

This is new - until recently I could not wear any of my rings on my left hand. To my credit, I have been taking the recommended 45 minute "arm break" in the early afternoon when I get Bailey down for his nap. It is also recommended to use the affected arm and exercise but pay attention to any changes. I guess after a year of dealing with it, I can tune in finally. And so I felt my ring. My finger was starting to swell.

True to my nature I tried to pretend it was just the heat. Just normal, but I knew my arm was starting to get aggravated. So… I got pissed. I started on that path to the Pity Party:

Why should I have to worry about this? Stupid cancer! Stupid lymph edema!! I just want to be normal! I just want to shovel the damn dirt. Is this too much to ask??!!

But then I stopped. I felt the breeze and on it I could smell the lilacs across the yard from where I was now not working. I stopped my internal tirade and just breathed in. The project is maybe half done. Maybe the other half will get done tomorrow. Maybe not. But I have a clipped Lilac on the table and managed to get off that Pity Party Train before it really got rolling.