Reading Cancer Patients

In my reading lately I find I recognize myself in some posts by cancer patients. I'm prompted to think about my experiences by their words. I read too much for a bit and then shift gears and duck out for a time. Lately I read a lot of Kairol's blog.

There are a few recurring thoughts that I consider posting and then stop because I don't want to make anyone 'worry'. But the whole point f the blog was to get my thoughts out. Here it is.

When I was first diagnosed my surgeon assured me that I did not do this to myself. That getting cancer was not my fault. Just a game of chance essentially, that can happen to anyone. There's no rhyme or reason.

However, I clearly recall thinking well in advance of my finding the lump, that I would have breast cancer. Did I worry myself into it? Did I harbor some fear and think negative thoughts and encourage cancer to grow in my breast? What about my work? Those HUGE radiation-emitting monitors in graphics departments and satellites, wireless networks, the smoking boss who had smoke-break chats with me…

Who knows?

When I started treatment and I was in fighter mode, I called my cancer every name in the book. I told it to get out; to leave me alone. I visualized the tumor shrinking away to nothing. And it did. Much to my doctors amazement, the chemo shrank that tumor away to a shadow (I have images to prove it). I had an overwhelming number of cards and letters and calls in support of my fight. We were all focused on my health. I pictured myself in that time being surrounded by love and light (I know - corny). I do think that my mind helped me heal. I know that my kids made me fight harder. I think it was the sheer will, prayer and determination of my "team" that made me well.

That effort continues to this day, albeit far less intense. In my few quiet moments when my brain is almost still, I think "I am not going to have cancer ever again" and picture a healthy body free from disease. And now I have to focus on the whole healthy me. Go to the gym, eat more fiber (is that possible?) and stop eating my husband's warped portion distortion servings of dinner. With me it's always a work in progress and I've got a lot to do yet.