April is coming.

In early April I will reach my 5 yr Cancer-versary. It seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago. It is both. It's horrifying, amazing, scary, sad, an accomplishment; but it's not my definition.

I'm stronger, smarter, older, more aware, less concerned about the BS, more concerned about things that matter to me. I'm different and the same. 

I don't think that reaching this year will give me a profound feeling of being safe and secure from that monster. I know it won't. But I will be living every day. I will do all the small, normal, tedious things that life requires and I will dream and create and grow. I will love. I will be snarky and I will have a pity party or say something ugly. I will be empathetic and calm where I once wasn't. I may also lose my shit at times. I will check out. I'll be happy.

Having Cancer didn't make me bitter nor did surviving it make me more appreciative or realize what I had. I knew. I'm still here and I'm still me. I cry when I read of someone getting a cancer diagnosis, getting sobering news, not beating it. I'm envious sometimes that others don't have to undergo the chemo or the surgery I did. I am grateful that I had chemo that worked, radiation and surgery. I am equal parts proud of my scars and embarrassed by them. It's complicated.

I know I want to mark the passing of time. I don't think I will find much comfort in the "milestone". I know I have it good. Deep in my heart I know and I cherish that gift every day.

I will wake up and do this all over again tomorrow. School, freelance, make lunches and cook dinner. Run the washer, feed the dog, wash my hair. I plan on many more regular days. Before April 2007, I had no idea what was ahead. Here's to April 2012.